“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m not lazy
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Oceanography is all about current events
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week