OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.