me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.