Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
😂💯
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.