LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
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I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
When ur friends with white people
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
awkward
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.