I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
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“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.