Day 2 of my diet
You Might Also Like
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Good morning!
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.