Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
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Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Monday Lisa
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.