“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?