*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
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Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Oh deer
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.