Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists