Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
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How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Every BBC series about the universe.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Perfect.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable