I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
6: are snakes just neck?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”