guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
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Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit