Bartenders are just boneless bars
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?