“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You Might Also Like
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
when there are deer in the woods
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
🤣🤣🤣
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
cat vs inanimate object
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases