There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Cashiers are always checking me out