According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
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Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My wife gives the best headache.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.