I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO