*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there