My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
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I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON