[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
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Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
So we got a goldfish…
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
This rocks
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else