If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
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@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
selfie game
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.