Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.