I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
*watches the world burn*
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
beware of dog
Happens to everyone.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!