They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Doubt I鈥檒l ever forget this scene 馃槀
If you haven鈥檛 left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you鈥檙e not really parenting.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i鈥檓 gonna have to fight a dragon
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I鈥檓 supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 馃
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking