A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
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I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
adam and eve had first world problems
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”