JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Ovenable?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
*me flirting
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.