Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”