It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“A little help here, Danny?”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY