Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster