Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.