friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Ah..makes sense now
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed