I only look at Wordle for the articles
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Cha-ching is my safe word
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen