Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
emergency phone
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!