Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither