Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/