My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend