mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors