Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The news is so predictable nowadays
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.