nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.