Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My circle of trust is a meatball
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”