[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.