-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
my one true gender
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?