cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Not all heroes wear capes…
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.