Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Trumpy Cat
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
where the womens at?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.