Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”