Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll