DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
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I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night