Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*orders delivery*
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out